Reminders of someone gone to soon.

There’s things that I feel like I’ve put aside, gentle brushed into a corner because looking at them reminds me of you.

There are some memories of you that bring joy that I walk towards, cars, motorcycles, chocolate, stepping in water, the sunsets, the beauty in nature.

Music still makes me cry music and art, perhaps it’s because that’s where your soul lived, that’s the part of you I wish I knew better. I look back all these years and still can wonder what my world would be like if you hadn’t died.

I wonder if everyone does this when someone dies to soon?

I didn’t expect it to still be something that will creep up on me, wash over me having me crying at images of a recording session on tv. I wish I had gotten to know you as an adult, to understand what drew you to this?

What was it that you loved so much? Was this where you came alive? At the end why wasn’t it enough to bring you back? Had you gone so far that there was no finding that string that kept you attached to earth, did the havens call you so?

I like to think of you like a great explorer, choosing to step into the unknown to go into the after life ready and prepared…

It seems fearful, I like to think you were not afraid, It’s a small comfort but one I am grateful for.

When someone you love ends their life you take whatever meaning from it you can and grab desperately to the thing that brings some small comfort, that keeps the dark belly of despair away.

I wonder if I’ve made you proud? If I’ve made your life meaningful, I feel this pressure to make sure I live my life in honour of you, like I have to live it now for two. I know you don’t need that, you don’t need anything from me, you are ok. It’s what I need from you, how I want to find someway to keep you connected to me.

To know that you are a part of me. That you live on. I want to recognize you in me somehow. Because then you don’t feel gone, then you still exist.

Therapeutic counsellor, Traumatic loss group facilitator, survivor of suicide loss and silver lining finder. www.settlingstepscounselling.com

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